just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
