I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
