next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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