He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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