You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
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