I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
