he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
