Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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