I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
