We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
