I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
