just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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