You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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