Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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