Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You took a bar mat shot.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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