i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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