We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
