At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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