I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
