If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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