I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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