I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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