All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
