It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
