You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
