I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
