i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
