I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
