I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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