It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
