1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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