There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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