i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Randomize
