His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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