Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
