I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
