if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
