I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
