I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
