my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
only if we run a train.
done.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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