Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
