Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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