my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
