I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
