If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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