I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
