I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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