you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She told me I should be a condom model.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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