somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Sext me about skeletons
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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