So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
