I hate all girls vehemently.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
