So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
